Most couples consider therapy when their relationship is in the final hour. By this time, fights have escalated, and relationship ruptures have created emotional and sometimes physical distance in the relationship. Couples sometimes approach me for therapy as they have begun sleeping in separate bedrooms, no longer getting along with one another or feeling abject dejection and gloom about the relationship and their ability or desire to continue. This is indeed unfortunate because by the time these couples approach help, a lot of the damage has been done to the relationship. Couples counseling is an opportunity to hit pause on the dysfunctional patterns and ways of relating to one another. It can be a valuable resource that can help couples navigate the hurdles, changes, and challenges that arise in their relationships. As a relationship therapist in NYC with almost two decades of experience, I have witnessed the transformative power of couples counseling when a couple approaches help with an open mind and an open heart. Recognizing the signs that indicate the need for professional help is crucial in strengthening your bond and finding lasting solutions, especially when arguments and fights escalate without any conclusion or closure for one or both partners.
When Should You Get Couples Counseling?
Communication breakdown between partners is a first sign and it’s becoming hard for people to listen to each other. When it feels like a lot is being said but very little understanding is taking place. “My husband doesn’t “get” where I am coming from” or “I’ve tried to explain this so many times to her, but she just doesn’t seem to listen.” Whether you’re thinking about divorce, feeling stuck in your relationship, struggling with making decisions, or simply wanting to improve communication and connection. Here are some common scenarios where couples counseling can make a difference:
Feeling stuck or unhappy:
When you feel like you’re going in circles, not growing or feeling fulfilled in the relationship, and have done some of your own individual work to decrease your negative contributions and reactivity to the relationship, couples counseling can help you figure out what’s not working. It can allow you to have a better perspective on your relationship woes and help you find positive changes.
Trouble making decisions:
Not agreeing on big decisions like careers, money, or starting a family can cause arguments and indicate to differences in values and goals. Couples counseling can guide you in discussing these decisions calmly and finding compromises or adjustments that work for both of you.
Life transitions and big changes:
Whether your family is dealing with a big family change such as the loss of a job, death in the family, health condition, or a second marriage, therapy can be helpful. Couples counseling can help you set boundaries, work through conflicts, and create a happy and harmonious home for everyone.
Thinking about divorce:
If you and your partner are unhappy, wondering whether to stay or go, or seriously considering ending your relationship, couples counseling can provide a safe place to explore your options, work through problems, and see if there’s a way to move forward.
Rebuilding trust:
If your relationship has been impacted by the breakdown of trust, recovering from infidelity or betrayal is tough, and couples counseling can provide support and direction. It’s a place where you can talk openly, bring conflicts that were previously hidden or undisclosed, heal, and rebuild trust, so you can move forward together.
Preemptive investment in your relationship:
Even if your relationship is currently stable, or healthy, couples counseling can serve as a proactive investment to ensure that both parties continue to feel seen and heard in their partnership. It offers valuable tools and insights that strengthen your bond, enhance communication, and foster a thriving partnership.
Enhancing communication and connection:
Even if your relationship is generally good, couples counseling can still be helpful. It can remind you of your shared values, and why your partnership is important and teach you better ways to communicate, strengthen your emotional bond, and make your relationship even better. It is not surprising that when couples therapy is done well, marriages flourish and become stronger. A recent study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that couples who went to therapy saw significant improvements in their relationship satisfaction, communication, and ability to handle conflicts. Experts also agree that couples counseling is beneficial and encourage partners to not try and sort out problems on their own. Dr. John Gottman, a well-known relationship researcher, and founder of the Gottman’s Method says that waiting too long to seek help is a common mistake. He believes that couples should address issues early on instead of waiting until they’re on the brink of divorce. The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT) supports couples counseling. It can help couples at any stage of their relationship, from newlyweds to long-time partners. Couples therapy gives us the tools to face challenges, communicate better, and have a healthier and happier relationship. A good couples therapist can be a valuable resource in many situations, whether you’re considering divorce or wanting to strengthen an already good relationship. They can help you overcome challenges, improve communication, and deepen your connection. In life that offers no guarantees about the many ups and downs we will come to face, couples counseling can be a worthwhile investment in your relationship’s happiness.
Here are the Signs You Should Start Couples Counseling
1. Communication breakdown:
When communication becomes strained or ineffective, and conversations often lead to misunderstandings or arguments, it’s a sign that the relationship needs more help. Couples counseling can help you better understand your source of disgruntlement and teach you healthier ways to express your thoughts and emotions, fostering understanding and connection.
2. Frequent relationship ruptures:
A cycle of repetitive arguments, unresolved conflicts, or escalating fights that lead to one or both people using the “D” word or leaving home for short or extended periods of time as a way of expressing their displeasure is a sure-shot sign of a relationship in distress. Couples counseling can help you break free from this destructive pattern. It provides a safe space for open dialogue and assists in finding constructive resolutions.
3. Creating physical or emotional distance in the relationship:
A significant decline in physical or emotional intimacy can be a red flag in a relationship. If you are choosing to keep some space between you and your partner, refusing sex, preferring isolation activities, or have the desire to be with others over your partner, you may want to take a closer look at your behavior. Couples counseling addresses underlying issues, such as trust, emotional distance, or unresolved past traumas, enabling you to reconnect on a deeper level.
4. Feeling triggered by your relationship:
If your relationship or partner is causing you to feel unworthy, unwanted, or insecure. Or when trust has been shattered due to infidelity, deception, or breaches of confidentiality, couples counseling offers a supportive environment to understand past relational trauma that may be activated, rebuild trust, foster forgiveness, and restore the foundation of your relationship. Unresolved trauma from the past can significantly affect your relationship dynamics. Couples counseling can guide you through the healing process, helping both partners understand and support each other in their journey toward recovery.
5. Differing wants and needs:
Over time, as we grow and change– our wants and needs from the relationship can change. This can emerge in the form of diverging life aspirations, differing values, or conflicting visions for the future. Sometimes this can pull us away from our partner. Couples may recognize the phrase, “we want different things”. It is important to address this need and be responsive to our growing selves in a way that allows us to grow alongside our partners.
6. Emotional disconnection:
Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected from your partner is a clear indication that your relationship needs attention. Couples counseling provides a safe space to explore underlying emotions, enhance emotional attunement, and restore the emotional bond between you.
Conclusion
It takes courage to ask for help. And it takes courage to accept that your relationship may be distressed. Recognizing the signs that indicate the need for couples counseling is the first step toward fostering a healthier, more fulfilling relationship. By seeking professional help, you open the door to new perspectives, effective strategies, and a renewed sense of connection. Remember, couples counseling is not a sign of weakness but rather a testament to your commitment to creating a loving and resilient partnership.
